Moods

It's important to document how I feel when I'm depressed. It's important to document the triggers. Most often depression is triggered by a horrible fact that is far too close to home. For me, today, it was that small boy with a quivering lip, in a cage, wanting his mommy.

I often have to remind myself that I can't heal the world. I'm such an empath that I legitimately feel the pain of those that are suffering. For many years I successfully ignored the news because it was bad for me. When Trump announced his candidacy I knew I wouldn't be able to ignore it any more.

Smartphones also make it hard to ignore, what with all the alerts, etc.

I try to turn that negativity into a positive, but I'm having a really hard time right now.

Usually, we see good things happening but recently, it's all been bad or awful. I don't feel good about things.

Yes, I suffer from a deep clinical depression with a primary symptom of guilt. As if that wasn't enough, I also suffer from generalized anxiety disorder that makes me nervous and paranoid. I am medicated, I go to therapy, I work out extensively, and usually, I function. Today, I'm not functional.

Writing is therapy for me too, so if you read this, great, if not, it's really for me anyway.

So how do I feel right now? Helpless. Trapped. Sad.

I want to help set things right but I don't know how.
I want to get this bastard out of office but no one in Congress is listening.
I want to see happiness and pride to be American, and I don't see that right now.

The president is a draft dodger who only thinks about money. He never suffered in his entire life. He has never been cold, hungry, poor, he has never wanted for anything.

We need a leader that knows pain. We need a leader that has lived like we live. Perhaps a Navy SEAL or a child of immigrants as leader. We don't need a spoiled creep that says awful things about women, his own daughter, minorities and our allies. I mean, why is this so hard for the hard right??? They certainly seemed principled when the left did something colorful. Why the hypocrisy?

I don't know. I don't have any answers and I think that's what makes me upset. I would fly to the border right now and dare those motherfuckers to make an example out of me. I would stand in front of them to shield these people fleeing from terror and looking for hope from these monster's called ICE Agents. I would. I really would, because the people coming here are coming here because of what it means to be American.

Freedom. Hope. Happiness.

Then I look at who is leading the country and I see: Anger, Hate, Vengeance.

The immigrants trying to find hope are more American than the leadership of America.

Donald Trump has aligned with Russia and North Korea. The American people have not. It's very important to make that distinction. The American people do not agree with the direction of the American Leadership.

I'm so sorry.

To the man that killed himself after he was separated from his child, I'm so sorry. To the children suffering and wanting their mom and dad, I'm so sorry. My heart bleeds for you. I wish to hug you and embrace you and welcome you to our country with open arms because you are the hope of tomorrow, not Jeff Sessions, not Donald Trump, not Ted Cruz.

Words are not enough, tears are not enough, but they are flowing. God help us.